Tuesday, March 26, 2024

President Pachyderm and His Pink Electric Elephants

Once upon a time in America, there was a president named President Pachyderm. President Pachyderm became famous for his outlandish ideas and love for all things pink and elephant-related. In addition, he recognized the shackles an uncooperative Congress can put in the way of a president, so he decided to run his nation by means of executive orders, a growing trend in White House governance.

Early in his second term, the President signed into law Executive Order #24315 thereby requiring every citizen to own a pink electric elephant. This decree sent shockwaves through the nation, since nearly all pink electric elephants were now being manufactured in China as a result of Executive Order 23101 which he had signed the previous year in order to balance the budget. (Up till that moment the entire pink electric elephant industry had been subsidized by taxpayer dollars.)

Political pundits and mainstream media were immediately on board with the new EO, declaring it a brilliant idea. Late night comics liked the new EO because it gave them a steady supply of new material to prop up sagging ratings. Bitter disputes broke out on the leading social media platforms as those who supported the president strove to cancel those who criticized it, and vice versa, which generated more buzz than even the ongoing war in Uzbekistan (now in its 8th year). 

Initially people were scrambling to get their hands on pink electric elephants, stores overrun with frantic customers demanding the rare and elusive creatures. Streets were filled with people parading their new companions, each one more absurdly pink and electric than the last. Many of those unable to acquire affordable pink electric elephants joined protesters blocking bridges and highways. 

As demand for pink electric elephants skyrocketed, chaos ensued. Research papers began appearing in scientific journals warning of the stress all these electric elephants were putting on the energy grid. Opponents of these ideas pressured journals to retract these papers and replace them with research extolling the virtue of pink electric elephants.

Both Democrats and Republicans crafted legislation to again fund American pink electric elephant manufacturing plants, laws that failed to pass Congress because 90 percent of this new legislation contained pork favorable to each party's constituencies.  

In the meantime, because of a shortage of resources needed to manufacture them prices soared, and soon only the wealthiest citizens could afford to purchase the coveted symbols of American Greatness. Those unable to comply with the president's decree faced hefty fines and even imprisonment. 

As a result, a countermovement ensued in which Americans began boycotting shopping malls even though they were fully stocked with pink electric elephants.

Much was being written in the media about the delays in getting the elephants from China. There was also speculation that pink electric elephants were being used to spy on Americans. Congressional hearings led to an investigation that rocked the nation. The Chinese, it turns out, were broke but had been forcing the president to pay for their weapons buildout because they had blackmail on him performing raciall yREDACTED th an electric pink elephant with cameras installed in its eyeballs.

Amidst calls for the president's impeachment, the rest of the world looked on in bewilderment. International news outlets dubbed President Pachyderm the "Pink Elephant King" and his followers the "Electric Elephants."

Despite the commotion President Pachyderm remained unfazed, convinced that his pink electric elephants were essential to national prosperity and happiness. He continued to promote his vision with fervor, even going so far as to commission giant pink electric elephant statues to be erected on both ends of the National Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial and the Capitol.

The rest of this story is yet to be written. If we're lucky it will also be soon forgotten.


As for President Pachyderm, he remains as colorful and eccentric as ever, blissfully unaware of the chaos he's unleashed upon his nation. 


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