Blue Notebook

Journal Notes from my Blue Notebook, July 1990-92

1. "It is a mistake to intend to write only very important things in a journal. That is not its justification." ~ A. Gide

2. On certain days I feel so strong, so able, that success is an inevitability. Dreams will be fulfilled. Then other days, I feel deflated, that all my work is in vain, is useless... and my message too.

3. When young we feel inspired to “follow our own star" wherever it leads and whatever it costs. Later in life we recognize the compromises we have made and prices we are unwilling to pay. There are things that I value which I am unwilling to jeopardize and put at risk.

4. We are not static "items" or "somethings" that we "discover" through analysis. Probing our past can help us understand our roots, where we've been, and occasionally why we've done certain things... but life is a future thing, and that which is in our power is the ability to create what we will become.

5. Life is the process of creating what we shall become. To each of us is given the responsibility of shaping the future. Focus: Not political, changing the world by enforcement of my vision and views, but changing the world by taking charge of who I am, what I will be tomorrow...Too many "world changers" are simply malcontents who have never known happiness in themselves, with delusions that by changing everything else they will then be happy.

6. This process of artistic creation in fiction is so fabulous, I am like a blind man whose sight has returned, a mute who has suddenly found voice. Art is indeed a high calling. Susie experiences the same exhilaration in her pottery, playing both role of creator and spectator simultaneously. Creation is an adventure, and in creation, we have ringside seats. "What will we discover next?"

7. I am too excited. I feel that all my work these past 5 years was preparatory for what I am working on now. The exercises completed (I realize I still have much to learn) I am more at a place where I can have a more complete grasp of my personal "life themes".

"Memoirs are never more than half sincere, however great one's concern for the truth: things are always more complicated than words can express." ~ Andre Gide