Floridians Alarmed By Growing Eggplant Violence

A battle has been raging in recent years between environmentalists and government leaders here in Florida regarding the rapidly increasing number of eggplant assaults. Yesterday’s death of a woman boater has officials under pressure to take action regarding the matter. The woman was killed by a head trauma after colliding with a flying eggplant off the coast of West Palm Beach.

Dr. Eldon Hoffman, an environmental advocate who has taken up the cause, insists the incident was accidental and that the flying eggplant struck the woman without malice. “It was simply a matter of wrong place, wrong time,” Hoffman stated. “The eggplant is an extremely gentle vegetable. Up until the past few years there have been very few instances where an eggplant will assault a human.”

Allison Nichols was riding in a boat at approximately 50 miles per hour when the flying eggplant struck her on the side of the head. The force of the impact killed her instantly.

Although media reports of such encounters appear to be rare, numerous phone calls to Florida news rooms indicate that eggplant attacks on humans have been rising significantly. Statistics reveal that in the ten years preceding 2000, there were approximately 1.4 eggplant assaults reported per year in Dade County. In 2007 there were 47 assaults reported in Dade and more than sixty in the communities surrounding Tampa Bay. This was the first known death caused by an eggplant.

Hoffman insists that more research should be undertaken to determine why Florida eggplants are going bad. Hoffman is currently lobbying the legislature for funding to determine the cause of this outbreak of violence in recent years. “The media is as much to blame as anyone,” said Hoffman. “They downplay the problem because they do not want to adversely affect tourism. If there were more stories on the situation, we could raise awareness and help fund the necessary research.”

Critics say Hoffman is going too far in his defense of the purple vegetable.

Hoffman, whose hobby farm outside Orlando includes eggplants, couch potatoes and a menagerie of small rodents, has long been considered a kook by his neighbors.

PHOTO CAPTION: Eggplant nesting on roof of a home near Sun City.