Dan Hansen Self-Explorations
Dan Hansen was a very private person in many respects. Understandably he was anxious to protect his "self" from abuse or exploitation. In 2016 he shared with me a number of short essays that opened windows into his inner life. I share this one here to give readers an awareness of how we ourselves can sometimes be blind to how we come across in our interactions with people different from ourselves.
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| "Rampage" -- Illustration by Dan Hansen |
A nurse in her mid 50s came today at around 1:50 pm. It required over an hour’s worth of paperwork. The questions get very personal such as: What is your disease? Does it progress? How fast does it progress? Do you get depressed? Have you ever been depressed more than twice in a week? Do you ever have anxiety? Do you drink alcohol or use any substances? Are you single? What are your religious preferences? It feels a lot like an interrogation to coerce a criminal confession.
They just keep hammering away on you as if they want you to snap... So they can write down notes ("subject appears to be emotionally distraught or unstable"). Obviously 70% of the questions I must lie about to protect myself. Then I got these comments: "You seem very well-adjusted." "I'm surprised at how well you're doing for your situation." "Do they have a bus here that takes you out?" "Oh you have a van?... Who drives you?" "Are you friends with the residents here?"
After an hour of this she spent 15 minutes checking my vitals. Blood pressure, breathing, heart rate. No one at the clinic does this... maybe a blood pressure strap around the arm. It only takes a minute. She said my blood pressure was normal but then she held the stethoscope on my chest for several minutes, telling me my heart rate was elevated. She basically wouldn't stop with the stethoscope until I did some Zen Buddhist shit with my breathing to slow my heart rate down. When it finally slowed down she noted it and stopped.
When it came time to actually change my catheter it took her 25 minutes with the aid of the PCA here holding my pants open for her. Normally this process takes two minutes at the clinic. Then she told me how much sediment was in my urine. She kept repeating it over and over. Do you have a fever? Do you know how much sediment is in your urine? Again and again. I Kept saying, "Yeah I need to drink more water... It's no big deal". I started to repeat "It's ok, I'll drink more water" every time she repeated herself. This went on for at least 10 minutes.
After I was all done she had the nerve to want to chit chat and further interrogate me about what I like to do in my free time. When I said movies she went on and on about Tuesday and Friday deals at the theater. I was just agreeing with everything she said until it turned in to a round of interrogation about which days I prefer, Tuesday deals or Friday deals. I just said I go to the theater on the day I’m there. This went on for about 10 minutes until she finally left and her final comment was "you're very easy going." It was like she was baiting me the whole time to snap and I never did. But I sure as hell am never doing a home healthcare nurse catheter change over again in my life.
It took me about five hours to recover from the 2 hour psychological onslaught. it is quite the dehumanizing process. It makes a person confront their own insignificance as a disabled "unit". To see in their eyes I'm a commodity devoid of value. Then to imagine how ubiquitous this very sentiment is. You have now entered the Twilight Zone *gulp*. It's a creepy feeling Ed. Zombie apocalypse stuff and you're the only one left.
Dan Hansen, Jan 16, 2016
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