Woman Killed in Rare Flying Eggplant Incident Off Florida Coast

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A woman was fatally struck by a flying eggplant while boating off the coast of West Palm Beach on Friday, marking the first known death caused by an eggplant in Florida, authorities said. The incident has intensified debates over the rising number of eggplant-related assaults in the state.

Allison Nichols, 34, was traveling at approximately 50 mph in a boat when she was hit in the head by the airborne vegetable, causing fatal head trauma, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office. She was pronounced dead at the scene.
Dr. Eldon Hoffman, an environmental advocate, called the incident a tragic accident, emphasizing that eggplants are typically non-aggressive. “It was a case of wrong place, wrong time,” Hoffman said. “Eggplants are gentle by nature, and these incidents are rare.”
Reports of eggplant attacks have surged in recent years. In Dade County, annual assaults averaged 1.4 from 1990 to 2000, but in 2007, 47 incidents were reported in Dade and over 60 in the Tampa Bay area, according to local records. The cause of the increase remains unclear, prompting calls for further research.
Hoffman, who grows eggplants on his hobby farm near Orlando, is urging state lawmakers to fund studies to investigate the phenomenon. He criticized media outlets for downplaying the issue to protect Florida’s tourism industry. “Greater awareness could secure the resources needed to understand why this is happening,” he said.Critics, however, argue Hoffman’s defense of the vegetable is excessive. Local residents have often dismissed him as eccentric, citing his farm’s unusual mix of eggplants, couch potatoes, and small rodents.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is reviewing the incident but has not announced specific measures to address the growing eggplant concerns.
There were reports of a protest Tuesday night a protest regarding the rapidly growing eggplant population in Tampa Bay. Authorities used drones and other forms of high tech surveillance to keep violence to a minimum. There were only four arrests and one injured officer. Nevertheless, many who were present complained about the lack of coverage from mainstream media. Carson Collins, a retired plumber from Ohio, said, "This is a pretty big story. Why isn't it being picked up on CNN or Fox? It makes you wonder whatever threats that we're unaware of."
In light of the increased anxiety regarding the safety of both the eggplant population and community residents, Governor Walz has declared Minnesota a sanctuary state for eggplants that feel at risk, wherever they come from. "We spread our arms and open our wallets for you," he announced in a press statement.

Photo Caption: An eggplant rests on the roof of a home near Sun City, Florida, amid growing reports of eggplant-related assaults in the state.

Monday Night at the Dubh Linn

Well, last night was another show at the Dubh Linn. Open mic amateur comedy. Free entertainment, and actually a lot of pretty funny people.

In my humble opinion, I am usually the least funny of any given batch, but felt quite comfortable last night. The crowd was decent (eventually, since we started late) and responsive to everyone.

What follows is a portion of the set I originally wrote for my last gig. I usually write out a bunch of ideas with the intention of using a portion for my intro. Last night, I started right off in left field and never did touch the bases in order, but eventually found my way home. It was fun and we'll do it again sometime.

August 18 Intro Ramblings

Here’s some great news. My son and his wife came home from California a couple weeks ago. I ran out to greet them, shouting, “My son is home, kill the fatted eggplant.” His wife is vegan.

I’ve been asked where the eggplant humor comes from. It’s not demented, if that’s what you mean. It’s what you get when you cross certain strains of ethnic jokes with lawyer jokes. It awakens the dormant genome within the structure of the lawyer joke DNA.

For this reason, my favorite eggplant joke is...

Q. How many eggplants does it take to roof a house?

A: It depends on how thin you slice them.

I raise eggplants on the side. I catch them in the wild using eggplant traps. They’re not easy to have around though and they go bad pretty fast. First they steal pencils, then they steal money from your wallet, and the next thing you know you have an eggplant crackhouse in the back yard.

I’ve not given up on my attempts to domesticate them despite the reports of eggplant violence in parts of Florida and the Southwest.*

It’s good to have Micah home. He is a very talented cook, but on the side he’s been making extra income as a mime. He developed a skit in which he impersonated the Berkeley Free Speech Movement. He calls it Random Acts of Silence. A lot of his punch lines seem to fall on deaf ears, he confided to me last week.

I was thinking recently how the real Free Speech Movement and a Bowel Movement had a lot in common. Ever notice how a bowel movement varies in duration based on how constipated one is? Maybe if our nation hadn’t been so constipated, the Sixties would not have given us such a hard time.

The irony is, the Free Speech radicals won, and now poets can stand in public on soapboxes quoting poetry with the F-word in it. This has evidently been deemed a great advance for Western Civilization.

What I don’t understand is why the list of things you CAN’T say today is longer than the original list. If it ain’t Politically Correct… you better scrub out your mouth with soap. In fact, don’t even think it.

Playlist

1. Napoleon Quote
2. Johnny Depp
3. Sign Language
4. Eggplant Humor
5. Romeo & Juliet Rewrite
6. Chinese Condoms

Burning Questions

Why did the eggplant cross the road?
Which came first, the eggplant or the egg?
And, why is Randy Johnson still pitching? Inquiring minds want to know.

There was a time when the very thought of facing Diamondbacks hurler Randy Johnson would cause opposing batters to lose sleep. Nail-biting, bed wetting, facial tics and other bad behaviors were not uncommon. Sometimes whole teams would face the lanky fireballer with terrified deer-in-the-headlights faces that begged “mercy.”

This year, he is making 15 million dollars. To do what? He finally broke a six game losing streak (yippee) and does still throw strikeouts, but man, once you have an ERA over 5, what are you doing on the mound? At what point do you hang up your cleats?

OK, maybe I'm being harsh. And maybe that’s partly the problem with baseball today. Are there too many teams and not enough pitchers to go around?

Former Cleveland Indians pitcher Herb Score once said that any pitcher with an ERA over 3.00 should not be playing. He was roundly criticized, since that is what most pitchers in the game are doing. To be merciful, it should be noted that adjustments have been made in recent decades to give hitters more advantages. Nevertheless, look at the dollars some of these guys are getting?

That fifteen million dollar salary has to be embarrassing to lug around. But then, baseball today is full of these kinds of salaries with performance that has only limited relationship. Pick a team at random, for example the Toronto Blue Jays, and look at their pitchers. Here’s a guy named A.J. Burnett – and believe me I'm not picking on him… I do not even know a thing about him, though a Google search will yield truckloads, no doubt – and I see here that he is making 13.2 million dollars this year. He is 31 years old and is, essentially, getting mediocre results this season. He’s won eight games and lost eight games. In his last ten he’s been bombed three times where he actually gave up eight runs before they took him out of the game. That’s gotta be embarrassing. But the paycheck… how can they give these guys so much money to be average? His 4.92 ERA puts him…

Hold the line. I see he throws strikeouts. Like, a lot of them. I guess he gets a few points for that. But I thought the aim was to actually not give up any runs.

Alas, there may be another side to this story. If so, your intrepid reporter will endeavor to keep you in the loop. Keep your eye on the ball.