Showing posts with label geek humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label geek humor. Show all posts

Friday, January 30, 2009

Did you poop today?

This picture was taken in a stairwell at a college student’s home off campus in Morris, MN. I took the photo because it is undeniably funny.

I didn’t know what I’d say about it until yesterday when I learned that the recession is having a negative impact on toilet paper sales. In point of fact, Tom Falk the Chairman-CEO of Kimberly-Clark stated that their toilet paper sales were down 5.5% since last quarter. Nationally, the hard times have reduced toilet paper sales by more than 8%.

So, it begs the question… what are people doing in there? I don’t mean to be nosy, but…

In truth, toilet paper is something Americans pretty much take for granted. We like it soft and we like plenty of it, an estimated 1.5 miles of it a year. But have you ever considered that toilet paper is really a fairly modern luxury? Or wondered what they do in the rest of the world? Most of us probably give it very little thought.

I remember a story about a new hospital that was built by the Red Cross in the Middle East, perhaps Jordan or somewhere near Yemen. A week after the hospital was built, all the toilets were inoperable. They were all filled with smooth stones. Dirty ones, if you know what I mean. This is how people clean themselves in many places.

If you are a missionary to or traveler in Islamic countries you might be instructed, as part of your training, to not hand something to Muslim with your left hand because that is the hand you use for this very personal business. Just a little travel tip here in case you’re eating veal in Turkey and someone asks you to pass the pilaf.

When I lived in Mexico, we visited Mexico City and stayed with a couple poor families in that overpopulated village of 20-some million. No one had toilet paper in many of these places. In point of fact, no one has running water in most of Mexico City. The water is in short supply, so they turn it on for 90 minutes every other day. During that ninety minutes you are to fill your 55 gallon drums for the next two days’ supply. Using this water, you can flush toilets, wash dishes, make orange juice, bathe, or whatever your heart desires. I took a bath with about one pint of boiled water in an outdoor stall while it was approximately 40 degrees.

Well, needless to say, no one had toilet paper. Rather, they stacked newspapers in the corner of the outdoor bath room which after reading they used for that more intimate purpose. Mexico City news is printed on surprisingly thin paper and not entirely uncomfortable, if you catch my drift.

While thinking about these things, and looking for an additional anecdote to go with it I discovered that there are a number of books written on the topic for those who might be discreetly interested. Frankly, I find it amusing how little we talk about this delicate topic, or others pertaining to normal body functions such as passing gas or sweating.

Of the books I found, the most interesting dealing with “Number 2” seems to be Dave Praeger’s Poop Culture: How America is Shaped by its Grossest National Product. According to Publisher’s Weekly, Praeger “meticulously excavates the politics of poop, societal attitudes toward it and how both affect our culture and everyday lives. Propelled by a keen nose for trivia, Praeger chronicles everything from the rise in epidemics that led to better sanitation practices, culminating in the widespread adoption of the toilet, to the use of feces in art.” In short, it appears to be a serious, well-researched work of history and not simply cheap potty humor.

But if you really want to dive into this subject and you’re hungry for more, Praeger also has a website called PoopReport.com, though in many circles this kind of thing is in bad taste.

This is a topic about which much more could be written, but I think we've had enough for one sitting.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Rocket Science

After a year of painstaking research a group of Fifth Graders in Bern Switzerland have proven that, contrary to popular belief, rocket science is not as complicated as most people think. The kids were initially working on knowledge problems with the hopes of starring in a Swiss version of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?, which would air in Geneva.

Meanwhile, scientists at NASA have strongly criticized the report and are petitioning Congress for more funding to research these new findings.

The National Education Association is likewise upset that the Swiss fifth graders went public with their research results, because reports are now coming in from numerous other countries around the globe that fifth graders are finding rocket science to be relatively easy. Korean fifth graders are reporting that rocket science is simple, actually.

This story has not been getting coverage in the United States for fear that students in America might have their feelings hurt and self-esteem damaged, which could be devastating to our nation's future.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Experts don't always know what they are talking about

Experts perform a valuable function in our modern world. Whenever we get into an argument, whether heated or as a diversion, it isn't long before we reach for a forceful quote or two from an expert. Experts strengthen our confidence in views we've chosen to defend. Experts supposedly know what they're talking about because they've got the inside track on specialized knowledge. Experts are called upon to give us the final word in matters both obscure and self-evident.

And sometimes experts are wrong. Here are just a few of the more well known examples of prognostications that missed the mark.

In 1876 an internal memo at Western Union declared, "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

According to Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television, man would never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.

In 1949, Popular Mechanics boldly asserted that "computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall in 1957 said, "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."

Commenting on the microchip, an engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM said, "But what . . . is it good for?" This was in 1968.

By 1977, the chairman and founder of NEC Ken Olson expertly demonstrated his prescience by exclaiming, "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

From the entertainment industry: "Who wants to hear actors talk?" said H.M. Warner of Warner Brothers in 1927.

Gary Cooper, in turning down the leading role in "Gone With the Wind" said, "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."

And when the Decca Recording Company rejected the Beatles in 1962, their in-house experts assured management that, "guitar music is on the way out."

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," said Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy of the Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

For a lengthier treatment on the subject of experts, and a handful of marketing articles I have published, visit: http://www.enewman.biz/M-Xpertz.html

Bottom line: Don't believe everything you hear. Even when it comes from me. I was wrong once, too.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Geek Humor

This past year I had an idea for a Dilbert cartoon based on an experience in which a company hired a consulting firm for a massive upgrade several years ago.

BOARD ROOM SCENE
Panel 1: POINTY HEADED BOSS ADDRESSING EMPLOYEES IN BOARD ROOM SETTING
"The last time our consulting firm was hired by XTL Corp, they observed that at any given moment one of our consultants was sitting on the john."

Panel 2: CONTINUED
"They determined that it was costing them $200 an hour for us to use their bathroom, or $8000 a week..."

Panel 3: CONTINUED
"which added up to $160,000 during our 20 week systems upgrade at XTL."

Panel 4: CONTINUED
"As part of the negotiations for the new contract with XTL, they have asked us to delegate the bathroom duties to a minimum wage employee who has been hired for this purpose."

Panel 5: "Any questions?"

Dilbert: "Yes. What programming languages will he need to know?"

--------------------------------------------------

I sent the above cartoon idea to a couple friends, one of them a programmer who enjoyed it and sent this response:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, October 03, 2007 11:19 AM
To: Newman, Ed
Subject: Re: cartoon idea

Funny,That reminds me of the only graffiti I ever wrote.

--------------------------------------------------
main()
{
int i;
int sum = 0;

for (i = 1; i <= 10; i++) sum = sum + i;

printf("Pooping", i);
}
---------------------------------------------
This is c code that prints the word pooping 10x and then is done.

If I saw this on the bathroom wall it would make me laugh so maybe I made someone laugh...

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