Malapropisms: It's Time to Smile

The year I turned twelve our family moved to New Jersey from the Midwest. One of the first great discoveries was how many channels we had on our television, way more than in Cleveland. One station aired continuous movie fare, much like many of the cable channels today. We saw House On Haunted Hill about ten times in one week.

 
There were also shows on the air that we'd never heard of or seen. One of these was The Bowery Boys, in vivid black and white. What I remember about the show was a character who butchered the English language by using the wrong words in place of correct words. What I didn't know was that there's a word for what he was doing. That word is malapropism.

 
One website defines it this way... malapropism: the usually unintentionally humorous misuse or distortion of a word or phrase; especially the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context.

 
The definition is clumsy, and in the case of The Bowery Boys inaccurate. That is, the character (played by Horace Debussy Jones) may have been misusing and abusing words unintentionally, but the screenwriter was very deliberate in putting such words in his mouth.

 
The word itself has a similar origin, a play by Richard Sheridan in which one of the characters is a Mrs. Malaprop who goes about butchering words to great effect. For example, "He is the very pineapple of politeness." (Intending to say pinnacle.)

 
"He's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile." (alligator)

Shakespeare, too, even used the twisted unintentional word for comic effect.

The twentieth century has produced its share of witty wordsmiths in this category, not the least of which is the great Yogi Berra. 

While surfing for additional material for this page I discovered that Samuel Goldwyn was likewise an excellent malaproper. Here are a few of the lines he's known to have concocted.

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Gentlemen, include me out."

"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."

"Too caustic? To hell with the cost. If it's a good picture, we'll make it."

"I read part of it all the way through."

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."

"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years."

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

"The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying."

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I've been guilty of making unintended mixed metaphors from time to time. Not sure what to call that. How about Malapropriate? I spent years saying things like "He's a little green behind the ears," not knowing that the right phrase is wet behind the ears. Or maybe a greenhorn. 

My grandfather was good for a few of those as well, but he knew exactly what he was doing. You could see it by the twinkle in his eye.

If anything on this page makes you smile, run with it. And have a good day.

Oxymoronica: Paradoxical Wit and Wisdom for People Who Enjoy Word Play

Oxymoronica: Any variety of self-contradictory statements or observations that on the surface appear false or illogical, but at a deeper level are profoundly true.

The author is Dr. Mardy Grothe, and based on the titles of his other books the guy is into word play. "Ifferisms," "I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like," "Viva la Repartee," "Oxymoronica," "Never Let a Fool Kiss You or a Kiss Fool You," and "Neverisms." I myself have been a lifelong quote collector, but this guy is definitely in the major leagues of that hobby.

The foreword is by Richard Lederer, an author of 30 books related to word play and not to be confused (as I was) with William J. Lederer, author of The Ugly American. I'd read the book in my youth, and the name Lederer stuck with me, in spite of fifty plus years passing. It was a powerful story about Southeast Asia, which was turned into a film starring Marlon Brando in 1963. Between this and Graham Greene's The Quiet American, it quickly becomes apparent how moronic our involvement was in the Vietnam escalation.

Oops, this is supposed to be about word play. Let's get to it.

Dr. Grothe's book begin with an explanation of where his title comes from. Oxymoron is to Oximoronica as Eros is to Erotica and Exotic to Exotica. Since that doesn't explain too much, let's just say it is "quotations that contain incompatible or incongruous elements."

Most of us are familiar with jumbo shrimp. That's an oxymoron. So, this book is full of quotes that accomplish the same but on another level. Here are some examples.

"Even his ignorance is encyclopedic."--Stanislaw Lec

"Free love is too expensive."--Bernadette Devlin

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap."--Dolly Parton

After an introduction to  his theme, with dozens of examples, the author clumps his quotations into chapters by theme. The Human Condition, Oxymoronica on Stage & Screen, Inadvertent Oxymoronica, Political Oxymoronica, and nine other categories.

The book includes classic and obscure sources. Here are a couple witticisms from the chapter on The Human Condition:

"We learn from experience that men never
learn anything from experience."--George Bernard Shaw

"The only certainty is that nothing is certain."--Plint the Younger

"Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering--and it's all over much too soon."--Woody Allen

"A man chases a woman until she catches him."--Anonymous

"Their very silence is a loud cry."--Cicero

Reading this book makes me wish to find his others. If you find them first, tell me what you think.

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Related Links
Oxymoronica on Amazon. (Used copies as low as $2)
My wordplay story constructed of homonyms: How Eye One The Wore
Creating Crossword Puzzles for Fun & Profit

The Influence of G.K. Chesterton: Perfect Pith

G.K. Chesterton

Influences: We all have roots, and if one were to make the effort we could probably each make a genealogical tree of our ideas, identifying the people who have been our own chief influences.

The same holds true for the authors and thinkers whose books we have become familiar with. We certainly see it in politicians who frequently cite their influences by quoting the men and women who have inspired them.

C.S. Lewis, whose writings have been tremendously influential in the past century, had a circle of friends that included J.R.R. Tolkien. These friends were undoubtedly important people in his personal development. As for roots, Lewis made note of two major literary figures from a preceding generation: George MacDonald and G.K. Chesterton. MacDonald was a Scottish author, poet and minister who also happened to be a friend and mentor of Lewis Carroll. (Now you know the roots of The Chronicles of Narnia.)

As for Chesterton, he was a writer, philosopher, journalist, dramatist, orator, lay theologian and creative spirit. A contemporary of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, his Father Brown (Father Brown Mysteries) was equal to Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie's shrewd observers of the devious, Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple. (Who doesn't love a good mystery now and then?)

As a setup for an upcoming blog post I thought it appropriate to introduce Gilbert Keith Chesterton, the keen social critic and wit whose book The Everlasting Man made an impact on the young hot-headed atheist, C.S. Lewis.

* * * *
Here are some Chesterton quotes to help acquaint you with his mind and wit. Read them slowly, rather than as quickly as you can. 

"Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance."

"The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man."

"The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder."

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it."

"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions."

"What embitters the world is not excess of criticism, but absence of self-criticism."

"I've searched all the parks in all the cities — and found no statues of Committees."

"There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great."

"The most incredible thing about miracles is that they happen."

"One can sometimes do good by being the right person in the wrong place."

From his essay on Tolstoy:
"The truth is that Tolstoy, with his immense genius, with his colossal faith, with his vast fearlessness and vast knowledge of life, is deficient in one faculty and one faculty alone. He is not a mystic; and therefore he has a tendency to go mad. Men talk of the extravagances and frenzies that have been produced by mysticism; they are a mere drop in the bucket. In the main, and from the beginning of time, mysticism has kept men sane. The thing that has driven them mad was logic. ...The only thing that has kept the race of men from the mad extremes of the convent and the pirate-galley, the night-club and the lethal chamber, has been mysticism — the belief that logic is misleading, and that things are not what they seem."

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A Zappa Quotebook, Page One

While blog surfing I came across a collection of quotes attributed to Frank Zappa. Many are quite poignant. Others reflect his wit and somewhat amusing ways of turning a phrase.

In many ways he stood alone, dedicated to the craft of his art and inner vision. Over a three decade period he produced as many as sixty albums, with few becoming commercially successful. Not surprisingly, Zappa’s creative commitments made him uncompromising. He would not be a sell out for fame, and was reputedly an exceedingly demanding taskmaster in the studio. Sloppiness was not acceptable in an artist.

Zappa’s canvas was anything, no holds barred. Thus he stood against religion which he believed set arbitrary boundaries on where an artist could explore. He likewise opposed recreational drug use, which was permeated the music scene at the time his star was rising.

It takes little effort with Google to find more than your money can buy in terms of Zappa data. So, if you want more, you know where to go. Here’s a collection of quotes purportedly originating with da man.

"Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny."

"Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe."

"Tobacco is my favorite vegetable."

"There is no hell. There is only France."

"Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid."

"It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner."

"A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it’s not open."

"If we can’t be free at least we can be cheap."

"Sometimes you’ve got to get sick before you can feel better."

"There will never be a nuclear war; there’s too much real estate involved."

"Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?"

"Outdoors for me is walking from the car to the ticket desk at the airport."

"You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football -- WE EVOLVED!"

Interviewer: "So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
Zappa: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

"Without deviation from the norm, ’progress’ is not possible."

"Hey, you know something people? I’m not black, but there’s a whole lots a times I wish I could say I’m not white."

"Most people wouldn’t know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass."

"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."

"Let’s not be too rough on our own ignorance, it’s what makes America great."

"Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is THE BEST."

"The creation and destruction of harmonic and ’statistical’ tensions is essential to the maintenance of compositional drama. Any composition (or improvisation) which remains consonant and ’regular’ throughout is, for me, equivalent to watching a movie with only ’good guys’ in it, or eating cottage cheese."

Fade to black.

Frank Zappa: 1940-1993


Most of the images of Zappa on this page were created over a period of two nights for the purpose of embellishing this collection of quotes which were assembled for a blog post here in 2008.