I was going to do a Wordless Wednesday of Art, but got sidetracked by Dave Barry. Sorry.

One of the best things about our local library (besides all the people who work there) is that it has such a wide array of audio books. I mean, would you rather have what you listen to in your car dictated by Radio Station Program Managers or by you? 

I prefer to be in control. At least when I'm here in my car. That is why for the past three decades I have relied on the local public library for audio books. In the old days it used to be books on cassette. I remember listening to all 48 cassettes on the biography of Elvis. I must have listened to two dozen Elmore Leonard books, though I can't recall how many were cassettes and how many were CDs. I've listened to all three volumes of Mark Twain's autobiography. History, biography, Agatha Christie, animosity, philosophy, Dark Money... it's all there.

Many of those years I worked in Superior, Wisconsin and for a small fee was able to raid both the Superior Library and the Duluth Public Library for their audio content. 

Over the years I've listened to thousands of discs and cassettes, and even if you don't call this "reading" it's a great way to get acquainted with literature of all kinds, whether serious or purely entertainment. In point of fact, Graham Greene classified his own writings as serious and entertainment. Yes, I've listened to all the Tolstoy, Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn books available in our libraries, and I've similarly enjoyed all the Dave Barry audiobooks as well. 

I have a brother who used to stop reading my blog posts as soon as I mentioned Dylan, but how can I not quote Dylan now and then. He has lyrics for every moment in time, and this one has been especially been relevant for the past year:

"People are crazy, times are strange."

It is what it is.

When a social media platform can delete tweets by the President of the United States for violating its terms of service (ToS), then we come to realize precisely how much power a U.S. president doesn't have.

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For this reason, on this January 6 evening, I'm sharing some quotes from Dave Barry's I'll Mature When I'm Dead, which I was listening to as I drove to the local recycle center after supper.

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If Man A asks Man B for directions, Man B, realizing that Man A is a weak, direction-asking type of male who probably also reads owner's manuals, could decide to attack Man A's village and plunder his women. Man A is not about to run that type of risk.

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There was a time when the human race did not have technology. This time was called "the 1950s." I was a child then, and it was horrible. There were only three TV channels, and at any given moment at least two of them were showing men playing the accordion in black and white. There was no remote control, so if you wanted to change the channel, you had to yell at your little brother, "Phil! Change the channel!" (In those days people named their children "Phil.") Your household had one telephone, which weighed eleven pounds and could be used as a murder weapon. It was permanently tethered to the living-room wall, and you had to dial it by manually turning a little wheel, and if you got a long-distance call, you'd yell, "It's long distance!" in the same urgent tone you would use to yell "Fire!" Everybody would come sprinting into the living room, because in the 1950s long distance was more exciting than sex. In fact there was no sex in the 1950s, that I know of.

EdNote: This last sentence is evidently hyperbole. Otherwise I'm at a loss at how to explain how my three brothers and I were conceived during that decade. The first test tube babies (in vitrio) were conceived in 1978.

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Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way. These are snakes that started out as pets of Miami residents, until one day these residents stopped smoking crack and said, "Jesus H. Christ! We're living with a giant snake!"

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The American newspaper industry is in serious trouble. How serious? Consider: In 1971, when I was hired for my first newspaper job, there were 62 million newspaper subscribers in the United States; today, there are twelve, an estimated five of whom are dead and therefore unlikely to renew.

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I think that parents- not all of them, but a lot of them- are sucking the fun out of kids' sports. They're making it clear to their kids that they think sports is about winning, and only winning. This is a reasonable value to instill if you honestly believe your child is going to become a professional athlete. But you need to remember two things: 1. Your child is not, in fact, going to become a professional athlete. 2. There are more important things in life than winning. Such as not being a jerk.

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ALAS... Dave Barry has more to say than just booger jokes. 

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