The Butler Who Folds His Hands Spills No Tea

Photo by Nashad Abdu on Unsplash

In the late 70s, when I was in Bible school, I worked two years in a factory which made pop-up camper trailers. This was one of the ways the school remained self-sufficient. It also enabled students to attend with virtually no tuition. We probably learned as many lessons in the factory as we did in the classroom. It was from Cliff Dahlen, a teacher in the school and one of the foremen there, that I learned a couple invaluable lessons about praise and criticism that are with me to this day. 

People chafe under criticism. As a rule of thumb, therefore, supervisors should praise ten times more often than give criticism. If we do that, Cliff explained, the criticism will be more palatable. 

The psychology behind this idea is profound. If we praise more than criticize, the workers under us will more likely feel that we are on their side. They won't see us as adversaries. Nor will they hide their mistakes for fear of being chewed out.

And that is another thing. Isn't it true that too often the only reason some people people explode is because they've reached the boiling point and snapped? If we look for the good in others, and encourage frequently, we'll be less afraid of giving critical advice when it's needed. Criticism should be measured, with the aim being to help. It should not be due to our own short fuse or lack of self control.

Still one more lesson from Cliff: praise publicly, criticize privately. 

If criticism stings, public criticism stings fivefold. It's bad enough to make a mistake. Being called out in front of others is humiliating. And it seldom accomplishes what one intends. 

In my article 9 Maxims That Carried Me Through Three Decades in Corporate America I shared this axiom: The Butler Who Folds His Hands Spills No Tea. The idea behind that saying should be self-evident. Too much criticism has consequences. When people are repeatedly dumped on, they're being coerced into behavior that minimizes the pain caused by this pummeling. The goal becomes "avoid pain" rather than "how much can we accomplish today".

Some work environments are so toxic that there is never any praise for a job well done, but plenty of grilling when a mistake occurs. When managers give all their attention to finding a scapegoat, employees quickly learn to cover their tracks and wipe off their fingerprints. 

The unintentional end result is an incentive for people to do nothing. Only by doing nothing can workers be assured of no mistakes.

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A quick final note. Your praise and appreciation has to be authentic. If it's not, your team will see it for what it really is and lose respect for you as a leader. If you don't mean it, don't say it. 

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And Bob Dylan Too -- A Poem by Mary Oliver

And Bob Dylan Too
by Mary Oliver, as published in Parabola

“Anything worth thinking about is worth singing about.”

Absolutely.

Which is why we have
songs of praise, songs of love, songs
of sorrow.

Songs to the gods, who have
so many names.

Songs the shepherds sing, on the
lonely mountains, while the sheep
are honoring the grass, by eating it.

The dance-songs of the bees, to tell
where the flowers, suddenly, in the
morning light, have opened.

A chorus of many, shouting to Heaven,
or at it, or pleading.

Or that greatest of love affairs, a violin
and a human body.

And a composer, maybe hundreds of years dead.

I think of Schubert, scribbling on a cafe
napkin.
          Thank you, thank you.

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I found the poem "And Bob Dylan Too" in the Winter 2010-2011 edition of PARABOLA. The theme of this issue was Beauty. The image atop the poem is a doctored photo from a YouTube video of Dylan performing a beautiful rendition of Visions of Johanna.

The poem celebrates song and music and beauty and life. I hope you can experience a measure of beauty and soul nourishment this weekend. Be open to the unexpected and let it happen.