Guest Blog Post: Seeking Balance during the Holiday Season

Christmas and the holiday season bring great opportunities for gathering with family and friends. Much joy, right? And much stress and sorrow, for some.

Joy comes when we connect harmoniously with others and love flows freely. It is a time to give the gift of a smile, encouragement, and a warm friendly embrace. Appreciation for special relationships, thoughtful gifts designed to communicate love, and quality time all seem to be given in extra measure during the Holiday season.

Sorrow, grief, and the pain of strained family relationships also can surface during this time of year. Here are a few tips for seeking the balance that will help you walk this tightrope for the rest of this month.

1) Accept that this season will bring a variety and range of emotional experiences to you. Give yourself permission to feel the ups and downs. Give others permission as well.

2) Recognize people are grieving right now. You may have experienced a significant loss of some kind yourself. “Anniversary reactions”, where a holiday, birthday, or anniversary of a particular loss brings back the sadness, is a normal part of the grief process.

3) Reach out to those with whom you want to communicate your love and connection. This can include old friends, more distant family, or neighbors to whom you communicate less frequently. Remember in particular those who are lonely at this time of year.

4) Set boundaries that will help you hold to your core values. It is O.K. to say “no” to the requests and demands of others on your time, if you have other priorities. Know your own priorities. You can set limits on others and still be a loving person. Holidays certainly increase the demands on your time.

5) Understand and accept that, for different reasons, some people will respond with hostility to our boundaries, perhaps seeking to control us through false guilt. You are not responsible for how other people feel or respond to you. Your task is to understand your own boundary challenges (when to say “yes” or “no”) and to follow your own convictions in a firm, assertive, yet kind manner.

6) Communicate with love and respect at all times, even when others push your buttons and you find yourself getting angry over the selfish demands of others. Count to ten, if you need time to calm down. Breathe deeply. Excuse yourself and go into the bathroom, if you need to lower your blood pressure.

7) Refrain from giving voice to the nasty thoughts that come to your mind. Emotions are poor decision makers. Deep hurt can make us vulnerable to saying or doing stupid things. Later, you will be glad you exercised that extra bit of self-control.

8) Remember the spiritual foundation for the Christmas and holiday season you are celebrating. It is the reason you value the idea of love in the first place. It empowers you to be flexible and balanced in your approach to others, whether setting boundaries or going the extra mile.

9) Develop a grateful attitude. Be thankful for the blessings of the relationships in your life. Pass on your blessings to others, and your holiday season will bring even more joy into your life.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a local psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com.  This column originally appeared in the Hammonton Gazette. 

Holiday Stress? Bring It On

Nearly every year around this time I post my brother's article about holiday stress and things you can do to alleviate it. The feedback I get has been evidence that the season isn't always jolly with ho-ho-hoes while we're decking the halls and splitting logs for the yule-tide fire. If you need a little encouragement in this regard, and a handful of practical wise words, read Dr. Ron Newman's Holiday Ups and Downs.

On the other hand, a few words in defense of holiday stress might be in order.

Stress, or the pressure that comes from responsibilities, isn't all bad. I'm not going to say it's fun. But it can be rewarding. Here are some examples.

We have made it annual tradition to write a Christmas letter that we send to friends and family. It updates them on what our children are doing and what we've been up to. There's a sense in which it keeps us connected to the people we care about, something which is healthy in a post-modern world where so many connections have been broken.

Even if you don't write a letter, just sending pictures or even a card requires addressing envelopes, staying organized, keeping current with addresses of people in your life. It takes time and could be perceived as a burden of sorts, but doing it has hidden benefits. One is that we're elevating this season in some way, marking the passing of a year by not letting it pass unmarked, unnoticed, just another season.

There are other things most of us do that we don't have to. We put up trees and lights, we go to parties, some spend an evening or afternoon visiting shut-ins and singing carols. And there's always the shopping that needs to be taken care of. If you're not in the right frame of mind, those lines can be stressful.

What I've found, though, is that years later the memories created by family traditions can comfort us like a warm blanket and hot cocoa. Here's an excerpt from an email I received yesterday from my daughter who is currently in China. You can see here the variety of traditions that were built into our family Decembers.

I really miss singing Christmas carols!!! ... I was just thinking of when we'd sing Christmas songs on the way to get the tree, and we'd sing Frosty the Snowman and we'd always get mixed up on the words. haha. Getting the Christmas tree and decorating it I think is my favorite Christmas tradition, the one I have most memories of... it was so special to all be together, singing, and being excited for Christmas... Christmas eve was always almost more exciting than Christmas, too, with the suspense of everything. watching A Christmas Carol as a family, reading together and putting out the cookies for Santa...

I share all this because even when the feelings aren't there -- you're tired or burned out or going through a hard time -- next year will probably be different. We don't scrap traditions because we're not in the mood. These traditions have hidden rewards and give continuity to ourselves and our families.

Please note: I do understand the emotions of those for whom the excessive commercializing of Christmas has become odious. The "reason for the season" was the birth of an infant born into a poor family in a stable, in a country oppressed by a foreign power. It's an almost crazy setting for the birth of king. And how that event turned into long lines at the mall I'm not quite sure.

All this to say that traditions have value. Each family benefits by shaping its traditions for another generation. It's a beautiful thing.

Holiday Ups and Downs

COPING WITH HOLIDAY STRESS

by Dr. Ron Newman

When you think of the Christmas Holiday season, what comes to your mind? Some people get excited about the decorations, music, presents, or the real "reason for the season." Others, however, get anxious about potential family conflicts, frantic busyness, crowds and long lines at the shopping mall. It is not unusual for people to have mixed emotions, including loneliness, depression, and grief over lost loved ones who will no longer be physically present to share in the holiday spirit.

What follows are some principles that may help you have a more enjoyable Christmas season.

A) Strengthen Relationships.

The holiday offers a unique opportunity to rebuild relationships. Recognize the value of those relationships, and focus on those relationships that you want to strengthen -- perhaps for the other person's benefit as well as your own. Even if you are experiencing your own sense of loneliness, resist the temptation to isolate yourself. Reach out to others who may have a similar need. The most meaningful experiences in life are in the context of our relationships with others.

B) Learn to say "No."

We often become overwhelmed at the holidays because of our difficulty in saying no to people. We sometimes allow others to determine how we use our time. Being assertive regarding those situations is necessary for our own sanity. This guideline is meant to help balance the goal of building relationships, but is not intended as a rationale for unhealthy isolation of oneself.

C) Practice Forgiveness.

Holidays can remind us of the unresolved conflicts we have with others. In the spirit of Christmas, we can sometimes face those relationships in a new light as we seek tounderstand, accept, and let go of past hurts. Or perhaps it is a good time for us to approach someone we have hurt to offer our own apology and seek reconciliation. This may not always be possible or advisable, if the other person is not "safe," but in most relationships there is room for more mercy.

D) Maintain a Sense of Humor.

If we take ourselves or others too seriously, we risk losing our own positive attitude about the holidays. A merry heart is good medicine. Learn to laugh at the long lines,forgotten presents and last minute shopping, etc. A negative attitude will only bring you down, but will not change the circumstances you are in.

E) Maintain Good Health Habits.

As with any stress management program, you want to get sufficient exercise, adequate sleep, and a balanced nutritional intake (beware of the excesses). Holidays are fraught with temptations of all sorts that can throw you body off balance and make the holidays less satisfying.

F) Sing and Enjoy the Music.

Music is good for the soul, and singing has many psychological as well as physical benefits. For one thing, it cleans out the stale air in your lungs! It has the ability to stir up every type of emotion, but during the holiday season it's good to be reminded of a more optimistic outlook on life.

G) Thoughtful Planning.

Goal setting and making plans to achieve those goals are necessary elements to success in life. The same is true regarding our success in navigating the pitfalls of the holiday season.

1. List your goals. Brainstorming all that you want to accomplish can be a helpful first step in this regard. This should include relationships as well as tasks.

2. Prioritize your goals. You want to be clear what is most important to you, otherwise you may end up doing what is easiest first, and not have time for what is really your highest value.

3. Remind yourself repeatedly of your goals. Put them on the refrigerator, on the calendar, in your daytimer, or whatever works for you. Just donít forget them, which is our tendency if we don't have a system to remind us.

4. Delegate when possible. If time management is particularly difficult for you, delegation of responsibilities becomes very important. Perhaps you do not have to buy all of the presents for everybody, or you do not have to cook the entire meal by yourself!

The above principles can help you enjoy your holiday to the fullest extent and avoid those inherent pitfalls.

Merry Christmas!

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in New Jersey withover 20 years of experience in the mental health field. He has been a popular speaker both in New Jersey and in South America where he makes annual trips for the purposes of teaching and training. This article originally appeared in Ecobyte.