Seeking Balance in Managing Depression

Depression is one of those things that comes in many guises. We often don't even recognize it. Most of us have struggled with bouts of depression at one time or another. These past two years have tested a lot of us in this regard. 

The causes of depression vary. Repressed anger can make us depressed. Broken relationships can devastate us. The challenges of dealing with a major health event like cancer, heart attack or stroke can become overwhelming and draining. A grinding long-term disability can drag us down as well. The loss of a loved one can put our emotions in a tailspin. Wrestling with guilt and failure leave us drained, sometimes leading to an existential crisis of meaning. Disillusionment  likewise steals our joy and undermines hope. 

In short, depression is not an uncommon occurrence. It almost seems like it's part of being human. My grandmother once wrote wrote a poem that compared depression with a springboard or trampoline. The deeper we go the higher we fly. These emotional ups and downs can be agents of self-understanding. 

My brother Ron is a psychologist (PhD, Temple) who has regularly addressed this issue in his  three decades of counseling. I asked if he might share his thoughts on this topic. 

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression

Depression is everyman’s illness.  People experience a loss of interest or enjoyment in life, lack of energy, social withdrawal, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and even suicidal thoughts.  The causes may be varied, including various losses in one’s life, trauma in a person’s past, unhealthy family relationships throughout one’s life, or even genetic and generational predispositions.  

The following suggestions are meant to inspire you toward successful coping approaches that will facilitate pulling you out of the dark places of life.

Treat yourself with compassion.  Self-hate is often your enemy.  Seek to show yourself the compassion you would show someone else going through a similar struggle.  

Tone down your inner critic.  Related to the above suggestion, this involves tuning in to what your critical inner voice is saying, then turning down the volume.  Simultaneously, you can tune in to the “positive coach” in your head and turn that volume up.  

Resist guilt and shame.  Actually, accept their existence in your life, but resist dwelling on these emotions. Instead, let go of the root causes of these feelings and focus on what is more important and of value to you. Forgiveness can help you make healthy changes in your behavior.

Activate yourself.  Resist the temptation to become more passive. Find those “baby steps” that can keep you doing activities you used to find meaningful. Believe that you have the power to do this, even when you do not feel like doing anything. Ideally, increasing exercise in your life and eating in a healthy manner can be part of this “activation”.  

Avoid spiritualizing the problem.  Many people of faith beat up on themselves for not having enough faith, or praying enough, or doing some other spiritual discipline or exercise. This only makes the depression worse.  Focus on the emphasis of grace in your faith-tradition, and seek strength to deal with the practical areas where you can make healthy choices.

Get medical tests.  In some cases, thyroid problems and other medical conditions can precipitate depression. This should be ruled out before assuming it is due to other psychosocial reasons.

Hold on to hope.  Develop a belief and confidence that your emotional state is temporary, not permanent. This hopeful attitude can be nurtured. This can be done through meditating on stories of hope, or even more positive movies that used to make you feel good. Or consider other people who have wrestled with depression and come out victorious.

Avoid depressing stimuli.  Put aside tragic movies or depressing stories. Stop replaying your own depressing stories in your mind, unless it is for the purpose of finding a healthier way of looking at the situation such as you would do with a psychotherapist.  

Build a healthy support system.  This may involve setting boundaries on others who are less healthy and do more harm than good to you. On the other hand, “no man is an island.” We need other people in our lives. Building healthy relationships is essential in overcoming depression.

Get professional help.  There is no shame in obtaining help from a professional who has studied depression and understands its dynamics, including various approaches to breaking free from its clutches. Different areas of focus may be working through the grief of past losses, identifying and addressing unhealthy thought processes, and building healthy communication patterns with others.  Medication is always a safety net which can be utilized if other approaches are unsuccessful.  

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 in South Jersey. He can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com.

Related Links

Henry Wiens Talks About the Power of Music as an Agent of Healing and Hope

It's A Wonderful Life

Let's Face It. A Lot of People Are Suffering. Here Are Some Links to Useful Grief Resources

Losses can be devastating. It can be like a wound that initially feels numb, but then the pain hits you with an unexpected intensity. For some, the wound can become infected and require a more complicated healing process. Over time, the wound may heal, but the scar remains as a reminder of the pain and loss you endured. For some, the wound never fully heals.
--Dr. Ron Newman

Loss has always been a part of life, and alongside loss is that inner anguish we've come to label "Grief." The above is a quote from my brother's article Seeking Balance When Experiencing Grief.

I've already noted in several blog posts that 2020 is a year very few could have imagined. The economic challenges are pervasive and news stories somewhat striking, but when families lose loved ones, it's very personal. We're not just statistics. Their absence, especially when sudden and unexpected, leaves a massive hole in our hearts.

For this reason it's good to be aware of resources that are available to soften the wound and aid in healing. That is the purpose of this blog post. The trigger for this post was discovering that Quiet Heart Music has a new website: https://quietheartcomfort.com/

* * * *

So far COVID deaths are currently more than three-quarters of a million globally, more than 170,000 in the U.S. There may be a few, but most people have friends and family members who have had hearts broken this year, and more to come. Are you among those who have lost a loved one?

Pianist Henry Wiens has spent a lifetime producing and sharing music designed to comfort those who are hurting. Through Quiet Heart Music Henry sought to provide a meaningful, inexpensive alternative to sending flowers to friends, co-workers and employees who have lost loved ones. Flowers are a temporary token, but you can tell that many people today are requesting that "in lieu of flowers" you should consider giving to a charity that the loved one cared about.

Giving music that truly heals those who are left behind is another alternative. (EdNote: My intention here is not to put florists out of business. It is to add options to friends and family, especially an option that contributes to the well-being of someone you care about, the ones left behind.)

I found this note about the gift of music in one of my old journals:

Music is one of the more fantastic gifts of God. It lifts the soul on wings to ethereal inner spaces. Nothing more effectively breaks life’s monotonous hold on us, transporting us to the portals of paradise. How do musicians and composers do it? From nothing & emptiness they bring forth combinations of sounds, melodies, themes, so pregnant with feeling it seems an inexplicable mystery. Rainbows of sound, trembling with life, causing our hearts to break open with rapture, or sweet sorrow.--Journal Notes, June 30, 1993

* * * *

The new Quiet Heart website allows you to listen to Henry's music free, something I heartily recommend. Then purchase the CDs that you most relate to. (I have all, but also have favorites.) In addition to being a potent form of healing, Henry's music is perfectly suited as a background track for writers and artists. It doesn't intrude. Like a light breeze on a summer's eve it carries you along on its wings.

* * * *

Another truly valuable feature of the site is a section titled Grief Resources. One page in this section has links to an overabundance of articles on grief by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt. In one of these he writes, "Grief is not a train track toward acceptance. Instead, it is more of a 'getting lost in the woods' and almost always gives rise to a mixture of many thoughts and feelings at once.

There are links to more than 50 articles dealing with all aspects of grief. Some deal with grief in general, some with helping you in your grief, or with helping others through their grieving. Others deal with grief with regards to specific situations like suicide, or grieving children or teens. Life is hard, and I know first hand how isolating it is to suddenly lose someone close when you are a teen. There are even sections to help hospice workers and funeral directors.

Visit this page for the grief resources noted above:
https://quietheartcomfort.com/grief-resources/

For what it's worth, Henry Wiens is a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit. You can feel it in his music.

Related Links
Henry Wiens Talks About the Power of Music as an Agent of Healing and Hope
Healing the Hurting Through Music
Quiet Heart Testimonials
A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis

Seeking Balance in a Pandemic by Guest Blogger Dr Ron Newman

In addition to being my brother for most of my life (I was two when he was born), Ron Newman is a psychologist in Mays Landing, NJ who received his PhD. at Temple University in 1990. In addition to his private practice in South Jersey he has made 26 trips to South America to train pastors and lay leaders in counseling. 

Seeking Balance in a Pandemic

Dr. Ron Newman, Mays Landing, NJ

Currently, the Coronavirus (COVID-19) has spread around the world, influencing world leaders to take measures which have caused both healthcare and economic crises. In February, I was in Disney World enjoying time with my family. Within a few short weeks the world was in lockdown mode. Now is an appropriate time for me to summarize some key points for those of you who want to manage your own wellness and build resilience.

Pandemics increase anxiety and fear, in large part due to the uncertainty principle. We don’t know the future, thus cannot control it. Our temper can flare and emotional reactions can feel overwhelming. Some key questions to ask yourself are: What is beyond your control? What are you able to influence by choices you make? For example, you may not be able to control the news about what is happening in the world, but you can control the amount of time you spend watching it. The following suggestions can help you find balance in your life so you can think clearly and cope rationally with this pandemic.

1) Calm yourself. Practice centering and mindfulness exercises. Relax your body and calm your emotions. Simple deep breathing with long, slow breaths and progressive relaxation techniques can help. Meditative prayers and prayers of surrender can help, along with petitionary prayers.

2) Grieve as needed. Losses come in many forms, and awareness of our grief can help us work through it and find the comfort and resolution we need over time. Acceptance of your emotional experience, maintaining healthy memories, forgiveness where needed, and talking it out with a supportive person, all have their place when grieving.

3) Renew your mind. Develop healthy thinking. Hold on to hope. Avoid “awfulizing”, where we focus on how awful things are, taking our minds off those things for which we can be grateful. Avoid “learned helplessness” where we get stuck feeling vulnerable and helpless, rather than understanding what reasonable action steps we can take. This is not a time for blaming and being judgmental of ourselves or others, but rather for showing grace and working toward healthy solutions. Maintain an appropriate sense of humor, in spite of the grief that comes at times like this.

4) Solve problems creatively. Engage your reasoning and critical thinking abilities. List problems separately, so you can take the time to brainstorm creative solutions for each more fully. Be proactive, recognizing the power you do have to act. Develop and work the plans you develop addressing each problem identified.

5) Listen to authorities. Experts on the spread of the virus have given advice regarding care for yourself and others, social distancing, and even what symptoms constitute a need to be tested. While this information may change as we learn more, look to specialists for their knowledge and expertise. Good sources of information can be found through various websites, including the CDC government sites or WebMD.

6) Practice extra hygiene principles. The COVID-19 virus at present is known to be easily transmitted in a variety of ways, such as surfaces that people touch and is even airborne through coughs or sneezes. It is reasonable to wash hands for 20 seconds, to avoid touching your face, to possibly wear gloves and masks when around others, and follow other recommendations from the experts.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash

7) Socialize from a distance. Use this as an opportunity to connect with people via social media platforms, phone calls, or even personal conversations from six feet away. This may be with distant relatives and friends, or neighbors with whom you have little contact. We are all part of the human race, which unites us even with others whose cultures may be less familiar to us.

8) Practice physical health strategies. Sufficient sleep, nutrition and exercise are foundations for health, so consider your personal health practices. Build your immune system, strengthen your muscles, and take charge of your health. Eat less sugar and more plant-based nutrition. Walking in the woods, biking a lonely road, or hiking on a remote trail can all be positive healthy experiences for you.

9) Grow through new challenges. Fear and seeing the threats ahead, especially when health and financial crises are already present, can paralyze people and lead to unhealthy coping strategies. Turn your “threats” into “challenges” to think creatively about different options that are within your power to manage. Make specific plans for growth in different areas. Explore new ways to earn income. Read again, selecting various types of books. Write. Learn a musical instrument. Sing. Develop your spirituality. Explore your options for growth.

10) Practice mindful empathy. Care for yourself and others requires an awareness which we can call loving mindfulness. Tune in to your own struggles, emotions, and physiological sensations (such as rapid heart beat, perspiration, etc.) with compassionate acceptance. Then turn this empathy toward others. Isolation can be extremely detrimental, and crises can bring opportunities to address the needs of others. When others need food, for example, drop some off on a porch without physically handing it to them. Love your neighbor as yourself.

11) Accept changes. A “normalcy bias” leads people to think things won’t change, but will go back to things as they were in the past. This may not happen. Accept this possibility, and evaluate different potential scenarios. You can then plan for different contingencies to regain your balance in life.

12) Develop your faith. Crises often bring opportunities for spiritual growth and development for people. Explore your religious tradition more deeply. Read your Bible. Discover new ways to pray. Read the writings of spiritual leaders whom you respect. Coming to peace in this area can bring you full circle back to point #1 in this article, helping you find your equilibrium regardless of what life throws at you.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Mays Landing, NJ who now does teletherapy. He can be reached by mail at: P.O. Box 2148, Vineland, NJ 08362; by email at: write2balance@gmail.com, or by phone at: 609-567-9022. His blog and other information can be accessed at: www.drronnewman.com This article originally appeared in the Hammonton Gazette April 8, 2020.

Related Links
A Good News Story: Death Estimates Shrinking
Seeking Balance When Experiencing Grief

When Holiday Stress Is Amplified By Grief

"The death of a beloved is an amputation."--C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Illustration by the author.

Stress during the holidays comes in many forms. Expectations, activities and last minute shopping all contribute. There are additional stresses for divorced couples with children who must deal with conflicting schedules and efforts to max out quality time with grandparents. This even gets more complicated when divorced couples re-marry and there are four sets of grandparents involved.

This morning I wanted to write about another kind of stressor. It has to do with the challenge of the holidays when we are experiencing the loss of a loved one. Whether a parent, spouse or child (and we should never have to bury our children) if the loss has been within the current year then this is the first Thanksgiving and the first Christmas without that important person in our lives. There's an empty chair at the table, a tangible reminder of your loss.

Over the course of a lifetime I've heard many painful stories. A father's suicide, a husband's suicide, a wife's life cut short by cancer, a son killed in a skiing accident. Even when you are emotionally healthy and strong, the holidays can open wounds and show that our internal healing is not yet complete.

Grieving the loss of a loved one is always hard but especially so during the holidays when you experience that first Thanksgiving without Joe or that first Christmas without Janet.

One reason the pain is exacerbated is that in your heart you know the holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer, of celebration, a time to make memories for your children or share them with that other significant person in your life. As a result, when you try to hide your pain it only leaves you more alienated, walled off and hollowed out. When everyone us is celebrating and we're inwardly struggling to maintain it can be hard.

Grief is one of those inexplicable phenomena that is different for everyone. It is a mistake to think something is wrong with you for still carrying this burden. We all process grief differently. Some things just take more time.

*
On numerous occasions over the years I've shared my brother's insights on handling stress during the holidays. My brother is a psychologist who writes about finding balance when dealing with anxiety, stress, anger, etc. In 2017 he produced a guest post on seeking balance when experiencing grief which I believe can be useful.

Sometimes we need to go further than write in a journal or unburden ourselves with a confidant. Sometimes we may need a professional counsellor whom we can talk with. Earlier this fall I learned about an online consortium of of therapists called TalkSpace. who provide assistance in this area, whether for you or a loved one you care about.

I never grew up Catholic, but upon reflection I can imagine the possibility that there could be something therapeutic in having a space where one can go to unburden oneself in an atmosphere of trust, where one's confidences will not be violated. This is what a doctor-patient relationship is about, enabling us to get help probing things that maybe we have a hard time facing alone.

I have no experience with TalkSpace myself. Here is a link to a testimony that was shared at Business Insider.

One way we can all reduce stress a little is to plan ahead and get our holiday shopping finished early this year.

Related Links
A comparison of two alternative online therapy processes.
Healing the Hurting Through Music
10 Classical Favorites That Can Lift You Higher

Disclaimer: This blog occasionally accepts forms of compensation for writing about certain topics. In all cases it is my intention to provide honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics, events, or products. The views and opinions expressed here are my own. The references to TalkSpace are "sponsored content" but I would not write about them if I were aware of any red flags.

Learning to Deal with Criticism

This past fall I was asked to write something about how to deal with criticism. It's something we must all confront at one time or another if we live and interact in the real world. Sometimes it hurts because we ourselves are overly sensitive. Sometimes it hurts because it hits the mark. And sometimes, its unjust and uncalled for.

My brother Ron recently published an article dealing with this issue. I asked permission to share it here.

GUEST POST
Dr. Ronald Newman

Seeking Balance When Coping With Criticism

You will be criticized. How do you handle that feedback from others when it is critical of you in some way? Politicians have to develop a thick skin in order to survive public scrutiny, as do leaders of all types, whether in the church or community. How we handle criticism will have a profound impact on our future, so here are a few tips for making it a more positive experience.

1) Begin with a secure sense of yourself. This requires self-acceptance which comes from knowing who you are, and your values, desires, and goals. From this foundation, criticism can be examined more objectively. In this way, you can remain positive and confident through the process of self-examination.

2) Listen intently. The critics in your life are saying something. What is it? Tune into the feelings and content of their message. What are they afraid of, or angry about? Listen as objectively and without defensiveness as possible. You are seeking to truly hear what is being said.

3) Accept that you are not perfect. We all have flaws, including habits we ourselves do not like. At least be open with yourself about these areas for improvement.

4) Discern constructive versus destructive criticism. If the intention of the criticizer is simply to tear you down, you may find it difficult to find the beneficial elements of the feedback. When negative comments simply fuel your "inner critic," take a step back and evaluate their words more carefully, in a non-judgmental manner.

5) See criticism as an opportunity for growth. It can actually keep you balanced, as others may be giving you objective feedback on how to improve in some area of your life. Feedback can produce positive change. Allow the objective truth in the criticism to feed the voice of your inner coach.

6) Seek truth objectively. Engage the rational part of your mind, which can be difficult when our emotions are crying "foul" and we feel hurt by the external critic.

7) Respond with understanding. Communicate that you hear and see the truths contained in the criticism. Sometimes this means only agreeing in part or in principle, or saying you will reflect on their feedback if you think the criticism is unfounded or only partially true.

8) Accept responsibility. If the feedback is true and accurate, accept responsibility for it. No excuses. It is not about image. It is about your heart and personal growth. You can even thank the person for the feedback, if it is clear their desire was to benefit you.

9) Apologize when appropriate. This can help repair a relationship, especially if an unintended hurt has occurred. While apology communicates the desire to improve a relationship, it should be done thoughtfully, in a manner that tunes in to the feelings and perceived offense to your critic.

10) Learn assertiveness. The temptation to respond in angry ways, whether by being aggressive or passive aggressive (such as by criticizing people behind their backs through gossip), can be an opportunity to exercise self-control by learning new assertive habits. You can correct misconceptions directly or set stronger boundaries on inappropriate criticism. You can also work on the forgiveness process. In this way, you take the higher road and can be more at peace, even when reflecting or responding to criticism.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a practicing psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 in South Jersey. He can be contacted directly at write2balance [AT] gmail dot com.

Seeking Balance When Experiencing Grief

GUEST POST
The following article by Dr. Ron Newman originally appeared in the Hammontown Gazette in May, 2016.

Losses can be devastating. It can be like a wound that initially feels numb, but then the pain hits you with an unexpected intensity. For some, the wound can become infected and require a more complicated healing process. Over time, the wound may heal, but the scar remains as a reminder of the pain and loss you endured.

For some, the wound never fully heals.

A friend whose young adult son unexpectedly died in his arms described the grief process as a spiral where you revisit various thoughts and feelings, often triggered by the most unexpected things such as a smell, object or location.

Here are a few ideas that have helped others in managing their own grief. I hope a few of these thoughts can help you, too.

--Don’t fight the feelings. Acknowledge them and seek to learn from them. Profound sadness, deep anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, and other emotions can be confusing as you wrestle with them after a loss. Accept their presence.

--View feelings as reminders of your connection to the deceased. Whether positive or negative, feelings mean you care. Allow yourself to remember the good times that strengthen that connection.

--Read books on grief. They can help you process and accept your experience. A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis, Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright, Beyond Grief by Carol Staudacher, and Grief’s Courageous Journey by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang are a few options.

--Write the deceased a letter. You can include random thoughts, feelings, images, memories, or whatever helps you process your inner experience. It can be a good-bye letter. You can share the letter with someone, if you choose, or reread it at some future time when the grief resurfaces such as an anniversary or special date.

--Keep a journal. In it, you can document lessons you learned from your relationship with the deceased. Document thoughts, feelings, memories, and the positive things you gained from knowing this special person.

--Make a photo album or scrapbook. This can help you emotionally process the memories. Of course, the younger generations can do these things through the internet with websites such as Pinterest, Instagram, and perhaps Facebook.

--Create a Memory Quilt. Each piece of the quilt can represent some memory or aspect of the person’s life. These often are created with the help of a community of people, or extended family, where the individual pieces are made by those with a connection to the deceased.

--Carry a linking object. At least for a season in your life, you can use a pin or necklace, or carry something in your pocket or pocketbook that reminds you of your loved one.

--Forgive yourself, if needed. It is possible the deceased had already forgiven you, but even if not, you can bring it before God and receive His forgiveness and the grace to forgive yourself. Seek the ability to forgive them as well, if you notice lingering resentments from unsettled conflict.

--Talk to someone. There is no substitute for human contact and sharing with a supportive person who cares. It can be a professional, clergy, a friend, family member, or God through prayer. Grief support groups, such as My Sister’s Kids – a peer support group for kids and teens in South Jersey, are available for people of all ages. Verbalizing your grief can help you work through the different stages involved.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist with offices in Hammonton and Liinwood in South Jersey.

Parenting 101: Insights on Vitamin C and Vitamin E from Dr. Ron Newman

Dennis the Menace at the Newseum.

One of the recurring themes in my brother's work as a psychologist is the concept of polarity management. There seem to be countless applications, in business and in life, to the concept of polarities. This weekend we we talked about parenting, Vitamin C and Vitamin E.

Ron (Ph.D., Temple U.) explained that raising children is not an exact science, but in three decades of counseling he's observed that many conflicts emerge because of a lack of balance with regard to Vitamin C and Vitamin E.

Vitamin C is the Caring function of a relationship. It's easy to illustrate this in the parent-child relationship, though it has application to all relationships including politics. Vitamin C is one end of a polarity.

In addition to being cared for, loved and nurtured, however, children also need rules and regulations. Vitamin E is the Executive function of parenting, which means you are setting rules and regulations, and consequences for violating those rules and regulations. It is also a necessary part of relationships.

In a family, with children, a fundamental issue (and responsibility of parents) revolves around these questions: how do you teach children to grow up and become responsible adults and take responsibility for their decisions? How do you raise a child to be confident and free to explore the world and the use of his or her gifts?

And how do parents correct their children when their children violate rules by staying up all night or when their kids say disrespectful things to their parents or other people? This is a Vitamin E function.

When a parent corrects in anger in a hostile way, it makes the child feel that the parent cares more about the rules than the child. If parents deal with things in anger they are neglecting the Vitamin C.

If parents compromise on E and allow the child to do whatever it wants, then they and the child are in peril because essentially the parent is enabling the child to make the rules, strengthening his or her selfishness and self-centeredness. The child's sense of connection in a balanced way gets compromised.

In some of the worst-case scenarios you have the polarization of parents along these lines. The Vitamin C parent's over-concern with connection undermines the Vitamin E parent's authority. Conflicts ensue and children can take advantage of the situation to get what they want. We've all seen this where children play one parent against the other.

In a healthy home, the child internalizes the Vitamin E and they learn, as they mature, to negotiate rules. In an unhealthy home the child simply rejects Vitamin E. She might reject it because the parents are inconsistent enforcing the rules.

* * * *

Ron went on to use this concept to explain how not understanding Vitamin E and Vitamin C causes confusion for some people in their ideas about God.

God is love, he stated. God communicates that love in what we see as falling into these two categories. God cared enough to come live in our broken world and die on a cross for us. John, as an author, communicated God's care for us in a multitude of ways. You see it in God's reaching out to mankind. Forgiveness is a Vitamin C function. Listening is a Vitamin C function. God wants us to communicate with Him. God's mercy is a Vitamin C function.

But the Vitamin E is communicated in God's having given us the Law, the ten commandments. The Law of God is for our benefit, summed up in the commandment to love one another. The two (the commandments and love) are not mutually exclusive. Thou shall not kill, thou shall not steal, etc. are designed to help us live in relationships of love.

"Now if we strive for perfection in following the law," he said, "if we overdo the emphasis on keeping law we end up with legalism, perfectionism, hypocrisy, judgmentalism of others, Pharisseeism... and we forget our connection to others. We compromise our Vitamin C."

* * * *

Additional applications to politics and business can be drawn, but I have a plane to catch and you can make your own applications from here. This is simply a tool to help bring understanding.

As you face the week ahead think about your own vitamin balance. And if you are a publisher, Ron's got a book's worth of insights on this topic of polarities.

Have a great week. 

Seeking Balance in Your Goals for the New Year

GUEST BLOG POST

As we enter the new year, many people set goals for themselves. New Year’s resolutions, we call them. How many people really expect to keep them? How many give up the fight before the end of January? What actually enables us to persevere toward the goals that we establish for ourselves?

Below are ten tips that may actually help you keep your new year’s resolutions this year!

1. Assess your current situation in all areas of life and think about what you want to accomplish this year. This includes your physical body, your mind (reading, education, etc.), your relationships with others, your vacation planning, and even your spiritual life.

2. Set clear, specific goals that are realistic and measurable, and develop a monitoring system to keep track of your goals. For example, a goal of losing one pound every two weeks, for a total loss of 26 pounds for the year, may be more realistic than trying to lose 26 pounds by the end of January. A special log or journal, a chart on the refrigerator, or even a cell phone app are all practical means of rating your progress.

3. Find a supportive partner or group that can hold you accountable and be cheerleaders for you as you make progress. Choose wisely. Look for those who can provide constructive feedback, not those who punish you for your “failures” or try to motivate you through shame.

4. Reinforce your goals, one step at a time, with a positive focus and self-talk. I know a competitive bullseye pistol shooter who had 3 x 5 cards on her bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator, above the kitchen sink, and even on the dashboard of the car. They all said: “I can shoot tens. I like to shoot tens. I feel good when I shoot tens. It is like me to shoot tens.” She went on to win the New Jersey state championship, beating all of the men in the state! She was humble in attitude toward others, but worked on developing positive self-talk in her quest to continue meeting her personal goals.

5. Cultivate a touch of “positive pessimism” by which you identify potential barriers to the achievement of your goals so that you can problem-solve and overcome those barriers. What could go wrong? What options do you have for facing and solving those problems? This can help you balance and maintain your optimism and hope.

6. Recognize and accept that learning new habits is hard, as is letting go of old habits. You are rerouting the neurochemistry of your brain! While change is difficult, it is also possible. Research in neuroscience teaches us much about what works and what does not. This article, for example, is putting in layman’s terms what the research reveals is most helpful.

7. Put high value on wellness behavior and devalue behaviors that lead to poor health. Be sure you are addressing your perceived needs in a way that leads to healthier behavior.

8. Learn to delay gratification. When you were in school, hopefully you learned to reward the self-discipline of doing homework with permission to go and play. Students who reversed those priorities usually did not do as well. Many never even completed their homework since they played first and kept playing.

9. Take an active-mind approach to life, addressing directly the challenges life brings your way. Passivity of mind and avoidance coping lead to unhealthy behavior.

10. Enhance your problem-solving skills even further and approach life’s challenges with faith that God has provided you with the tools you need to accomplish positive goals for the New Year.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com. 

Guest Blog Post: Seeking Balance during the Holiday Season

Christmas and the holiday season bring great opportunities for gathering with family and friends. Much joy, right? And much stress and sorrow, for some.

Joy comes when we connect harmoniously with others and love flows freely. It is a time to give the gift of a smile, encouragement, and a warm friendly embrace. Appreciation for special relationships, thoughtful gifts designed to communicate love, and quality time all seem to be given in extra measure during the Holiday season.

Sorrow, grief, and the pain of strained family relationships also can surface during this time of year. Here are a few tips for seeking the balance that will help you walk this tightrope for the rest of this month.

1) Accept that this season will bring a variety and range of emotional experiences to you. Give yourself permission to feel the ups and downs. Give others permission as well.

2) Recognize people are grieving right now. You may have experienced a significant loss of some kind yourself. “Anniversary reactions”, where a holiday, birthday, or anniversary of a particular loss brings back the sadness, is a normal part of the grief process.

3) Reach out to those with whom you want to communicate your love and connection. This can include old friends, more distant family, or neighbors to whom you communicate less frequently. Remember in particular those who are lonely at this time of year.

4) Set boundaries that will help you hold to your core values. It is O.K. to say “no” to the requests and demands of others on your time, if you have other priorities. Know your own priorities. You can set limits on others and still be a loving person. Holidays certainly increase the demands on your time.

5) Understand and accept that, for different reasons, some people will respond with hostility to our boundaries, perhaps seeking to control us through false guilt. You are not responsible for how other people feel or respond to you. Your task is to understand your own boundary challenges (when to say “yes” or “no”) and to follow your own convictions in a firm, assertive, yet kind manner.

6) Communicate with love and respect at all times, even when others push your buttons and you find yourself getting angry over the selfish demands of others. Count to ten, if you need time to calm down. Breathe deeply. Excuse yourself and go into the bathroom, if you need to lower your blood pressure.

7) Refrain from giving voice to the nasty thoughts that come to your mind. Emotions are poor decision makers. Deep hurt can make us vulnerable to saying or doing stupid things. Later, you will be glad you exercised that extra bit of self-control.

8) Remember the spiritual foundation for the Christmas and holiday season you are celebrating. It is the reason you value the idea of love in the first place. It empowers you to be flexible and balanced in your approach to others, whether setting boundaries or going the extra mile.

9) Develop a grateful attitude. Be thankful for the blessings of the relationships in your life. Pass on your blessings to others, and your holiday season will bring even more joy into your life.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a local psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com.  This column originally appeared in the Hammonton Gazette.