Polarity Management: A Tool for Managing Complex Problems

30 years ago or os my brother Ron (Dr. Ron Newman, a PhD psychologist) introduced me to the concept of polarity management. For Ron, thinking about polarities and finding balance has been a lifelong habit of his, almost an involuntary obsession. Once you become aware of the variety of ways polarities emerge, you can't help but notice them yourselves. 

Examples abound. Security vs. freedom, efficiency vs. creativity, competition vs. cooperation. Polarity management is a tool to help us manage or resolve complex issues. The key idea is to understand that opposites are not necessarily enemies.

The goal is not to find a solution that eliminates one of the opposites, but rather to find a way to manage the tension between them in a manner that is productive and sustainable. 

Here's another example that happened with an acquaintance of mine. After a very busy time in his life he decided to go live on a beach in Florida for a year. After four months he was so bored he found a job that was fulfilling for 18 months but not something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. During this period he recognized his calling and followed that for the rest of his life.

Too much activity left him exhausted and he opted for inactivity. This resulted in a sense of meaninglessness, which propelled him to think more deeply about why he was here on earth. Ultimately he found fulfillment in a career that involved helping others.

My brother publishes a column about seeking balance that we hope will become a book or series of books. Topics he's written about include seeking balance with anger, depression, anxiety, happiness, grief, aspects of parenting and more. As a Christian counsellor he has spent more than two decades training church leaders in South America and elsewhere on this principle of finding balance.

Aristotle's Golden Mean is a similar concept in philosophy. Moral virtue lies between the two extremes of excess and deficiency. For example, finding the balance between recklessness and boldness is the path to virtue.

Giving is an example of this challenge. Stinginess is one end of the spectrum, extravagant giving to the neglect of paying your bills and neglecting your children is at the other end of the scale. How do we find the Golden Mean? For each of us this can be a perplexing problem in a world where there is so much need.

What about fun? Is "fun" the purpose of life? Or is laughter something that we enjoy because it lightens our load as we pursue our responsibilities? You can read my thoughts on that topic here: Eudaemonia vs. Hakuna Matata: Two Views on the Pursuit of Happiness

Much more can be said but I have to catch a plane. You can read a few of my brother's articles here... and encourage him to continue his writings. He's thought deeply on this topic for a very long time and has a bundle of useful insights.

Have a great weekend.

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression

Depression is one of those things that comes in many guises. We often don't even recognize it. Most of us have struggled with bouts of depression at one time or another. These past two years have tested a lot of us in this regard. 

The causes of depression vary. Repressed anger can make us depressed. Broken relationships can devastate us. The challenges of dealing with a major health event like cancer, heart attack or stroke can become overwhelming and draining. A grinding long-term disability can drag us down as well. The loss of a loved one can put our emotions in a tailspin. Wrestling with guilt and failure leave us drained, sometimes leading to an existential crisis of meaning. Disillusionment  likewise steals our joy and undermines hope. 

In short, depression is not an uncommon occurrence. It almost seems like it's part of being human. My grandmother once wrote wrote a poem that compared depression with a springboard or trampoline. The deeper we go the higher we fly. These emotional ups and downs can be agents of self-understanding. 

My brother Ron is a psychologist (PhD, Temple) who has regularly addressed this issue in his  three decades of counseling. I asked if he might share his thoughts on this topic. 

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression

Depression is everyman’s illness.  People experience a loss of interest or enjoyment in life, lack of energy, social withdrawal, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and even suicidal thoughts.  The causes may be varied, including various losses in one’s life, trauma in a person’s past, unhealthy family relationships throughout one’s life, or even genetic and generational predispositions.  

The following suggestions are meant to inspire you toward successful coping approaches that will facilitate pulling you out of the dark places of life.

Treat yourself with compassion.  Self-hate is often your enemy.  Seek to show yourself the compassion you would show someone else going through a similar struggle.  

Tone down your inner critic.  Related to the above suggestion, this involves tuning in to what your critical inner voice is saying, then turning down the volume.  Simultaneously, you can tune in to the “positive coach” in your head and turn that volume up.  

Resist guilt and shame.  Actually, accept their existence in your life, but resist dwelling on these emotions. Instead, let go of the root causes of these feelings and focus on what is more important and of value to you. Forgiveness can help you make healthy changes in your behavior.

Activate yourself.  Resist the temptation to become more passive. Find those “baby steps” that can keep you doing activities you used to find meaningful. Believe that you have the power to do this, even when you do not feel like doing anything. Ideally, increasing exercise in your life and eating in a healthy manner can be part of this “activation”.  

Avoid spiritualizing the problem.  Many people of faith beat up on themselves for not having enough faith, or praying enough, or doing some other spiritual discipline or exercise. This only makes the depression worse.  Focus on the emphasis of grace in your faith-tradition, and seek strength to deal with the practical areas where you can make healthy choices.

Get medical tests.  In some cases, thyroid problems and other medical conditions can precipitate depression. This should be ruled out before assuming it is due to other psychosocial reasons.

Hold on to hope.  Develop a belief and confidence that your emotional state is temporary, not permanent. This hopeful attitude can be nurtured. This can be done through meditating on stories of hope, or even more positive movies that used to make you feel good. Or consider other people who have wrestled with depression and come out victorious.

Avoid depressing stimuli.  Put aside tragic movies or depressing stories. Stop replaying your own depressing stories in your mind, unless it is for the purpose of finding a healthier way of looking at the situation such as you would do with a psychotherapist.  

Build a healthy support system.  This may involve setting boundaries on others who are less healthy and do more harm than good to you. On the other hand, “no man is an island.” We need other people in our lives. Building healthy relationships is essential in overcoming depression.

Get professional help.  There is no shame in obtaining help from a professional who has studied depression and understands its dynamics, including various approaches to breaking free from its clutches. Different areas of focus may be working through the grief of past losses, identifying and addressing unhealthy thought processes, and building healthy communication patterns with others.  Medication is always a safety net which can be utilized if other approaches are unsuccessful.  

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 in South Jersey. He can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com.

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Seeking Balance in a Pandemic by Guest Blogger Dr Ron Newman

In addition to being my brother for most of my life (I was two when he was born), Ron Newman is a psychologist in Mays Landing, NJ who received his PhD. at Temple University in 1990. In addition to his private practice in South Jersey he has made 26 trips to South America to train pastors and lay leaders in counseling. 

Seeking Balance in a Pandemic

Dr. Ron Newman, Mays Landing, NJ

Currently, the Coronavirus (COVID-19) has spread around the world, influencing world leaders to take measures which have caused both healthcare and economic crises. In February, I was in Disney World enjoying time with my family. Within a few short weeks the world was in lockdown mode. Now is an appropriate time for me to summarize some key points for those of you who want to manage your own wellness and build resilience.

Pandemics increase anxiety and fear, in large part due to the uncertainty principle. We don’t know the future, thus cannot control it. Our temper can flare and emotional reactions can feel overwhelming. Some key questions to ask yourself are: What is beyond your control? What are you able to influence by choices you make? For example, you may not be able to control the news about what is happening in the world, but you can control the amount of time you spend watching it. The following suggestions can help you find balance in your life so you can think clearly and cope rationally with this pandemic.

1) Calm yourself. Practice centering and mindfulness exercises. Relax your body and calm your emotions. Simple deep breathing with long, slow breaths and progressive relaxation techniques can help. Meditative prayers and prayers of surrender can help, along with petitionary prayers.

2) Grieve as needed. Losses come in many forms, and awareness of our grief can help us work through it and find the comfort and resolution we need over time. Acceptance of your emotional experience, maintaining healthy memories, forgiveness where needed, and talking it out with a supportive person, all have their place when grieving.

3) Renew your mind. Develop healthy thinking. Hold on to hope. Avoid “awfulizing”, where we focus on how awful things are, taking our minds off those things for which we can be grateful. Avoid “learned helplessness” where we get stuck feeling vulnerable and helpless, rather than understanding what reasonable action steps we can take. This is not a time for blaming and being judgmental of ourselves or others, but rather for showing grace and working toward healthy solutions. Maintain an appropriate sense of humor, in spite of the grief that comes at times like this.

4) Solve problems creatively. Engage your reasoning and critical thinking abilities. List problems separately, so you can take the time to brainstorm creative solutions for each more fully. Be proactive, recognizing the power you do have to act. Develop and work the plans you develop addressing each problem identified.

5) Listen to authorities. Experts on the spread of the virus have given advice regarding care for yourself and others, social distancing, and even what symptoms constitute a need to be tested. While this information may change as we learn more, look to specialists for their knowledge and expertise. Good sources of information can be found through various websites, including the CDC government sites or WebMD.

6) Practice extra hygiene principles. The COVID-19 virus at present is known to be easily transmitted in a variety of ways, such as surfaces that people touch and is even airborne through coughs or sneezes. It is reasonable to wash hands for 20 seconds, to avoid touching your face, to possibly wear gloves and masks when around others, and follow other recommendations from the experts.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash

7) Socialize from a distance. Use this as an opportunity to connect with people via social media platforms, phone calls, or even personal conversations from six feet away. This may be with distant relatives and friends, or neighbors with whom you have little contact. We are all part of the human race, which unites us even with others whose cultures may be less familiar to us.

8) Practice physical health strategies. Sufficient sleep, nutrition and exercise are foundations for health, so consider your personal health practices. Build your immune system, strengthen your muscles, and take charge of your health. Eat less sugar and more plant-based nutrition. Walking in the woods, biking a lonely road, or hiking on a remote trail can all be positive healthy experiences for you.

9) Grow through new challenges. Fear and seeing the threats ahead, especially when health and financial crises are already present, can paralyze people and lead to unhealthy coping strategies. Turn your “threats” into “challenges” to think creatively about different options that are within your power to manage. Make specific plans for growth in different areas. Explore new ways to earn income. Read again, selecting various types of books. Write. Learn a musical instrument. Sing. Develop your spirituality. Explore your options for growth.

10) Practice mindful empathy. Care for yourself and others requires an awareness which we can call loving mindfulness. Tune in to your own struggles, emotions, and physiological sensations (such as rapid heart beat, perspiration, etc.) with compassionate acceptance. Then turn this empathy toward others. Isolation can be extremely detrimental, and crises can bring opportunities to address the needs of others. When others need food, for example, drop some off on a porch without physically handing it to them. Love your neighbor as yourself.

11) Accept changes. A “normalcy bias” leads people to think things won’t change, but will go back to things as they were in the past. This may not happen. Accept this possibility, and evaluate different potential scenarios. You can then plan for different contingencies to regain your balance in life.

12) Develop your faith. Crises often bring opportunities for spiritual growth and development for people. Explore your religious tradition more deeply. Read your Bible. Discover new ways to pray. Read the writings of spiritual leaders whom you respect. Coming to peace in this area can bring you full circle back to point #1 in this article, helping you find your equilibrium regardless of what life throws at you.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Mays Landing, NJ who now does teletherapy. He can be reached by mail at: P.O. Box 2148, Vineland, NJ 08362; by email at: write2balance@gmail.com, or by phone at: 609-567-9022. His blog and other information can be accessed at: www.drronnewman.com This article originally appeared in the Hammonton Gazette April 8, 2020.

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Learning to Deal with Criticism

This past fall I was asked to write something about how to deal with criticism. It's something we must all confront at one time or another if we live and interact in the real world. Sometimes it hurts because we ourselves are overly sensitive. Sometimes it hurts because it hits the mark. And sometimes, its unjust and uncalled for.

My brother Ron recently published an article dealing with this issue. I asked permission to share it here.

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Dr. Ronald Newman

Seeking Balance When Coping With Criticism

You will be criticized. How do you handle that feedback from others when it is critical of you in some way? Politicians have to develop a thick skin in order to survive public scrutiny, as do leaders of all types, whether in the church or community. How we handle criticism will have a profound impact on our future, so here are a few tips for making it a more positive experience.

1) Begin with a secure sense of yourself. This requires self-acceptance which comes from knowing who you are, and your values, desires, and goals. From this foundation, criticism can be examined more objectively. In this way, you can remain positive and confident through the process of self-examination.

2) Listen intently. The critics in your life are saying something. What is it? Tune into the feelings and content of their message. What are they afraid of, or angry about? Listen as objectively and without defensiveness as possible. You are seeking to truly hear what is being said.

3) Accept that you are not perfect. We all have flaws, including habits we ourselves do not like. At least be open with yourself about these areas for improvement.

4) Discern constructive versus destructive criticism. If the intention of the criticizer is simply to tear you down, you may find it difficult to find the beneficial elements of the feedback. When negative comments simply fuel your "inner critic," take a step back and evaluate their words more carefully, in a non-judgmental manner.

5) See criticism as an opportunity for growth. It can actually keep you balanced, as others may be giving you objective feedback on how to improve in some area of your life. Feedback can produce positive change. Allow the objective truth in the criticism to feed the voice of your inner coach.

6) Seek truth objectively. Engage the rational part of your mind, which can be difficult when our emotions are crying "foul" and we feel hurt by the external critic.

7) Respond with understanding. Communicate that you hear and see the truths contained in the criticism. Sometimes this means only agreeing in part or in principle, or saying you will reflect on their feedback if you think the criticism is unfounded or only partially true.

8) Accept responsibility. If the feedback is true and accurate, accept responsibility for it. No excuses. It is not about image. It is about your heart and personal growth. You can even thank the person for the feedback, if it is clear their desire was to benefit you.

9) Apologize when appropriate. This can help repair a relationship, especially if an unintended hurt has occurred. While apology communicates the desire to improve a relationship, it should be done thoughtfully, in a manner that tunes in to the feelings and perceived offense to your critic.

10) Learn assertiveness. The temptation to respond in angry ways, whether by being aggressive or passive aggressive (such as by criticizing people behind their backs through gossip), can be an opportunity to exercise self-control by learning new assertive habits. You can correct misconceptions directly or set stronger boundaries on inappropriate criticism. You can also work on the forgiveness process. In this way, you take the higher road and can be more at peace, even when reflecting or responding to criticism.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a practicing psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 in South Jersey. He can be contacted directly at write2balance [AT] gmail dot com.

Seeking Balance When Experiencing Grief

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The following article by Dr. Ron Newman originally appeared in the Hammontown Gazette in May, 2016.

Losses can be devastating. It can be like a wound that initially feels numb, but then the pain hits you with an unexpected intensity. For some, the wound can become infected and require a more complicated healing process. Over time, the wound may heal, but the scar remains as a reminder of the pain and loss you endured.

For some, the wound never fully heals.

A friend whose young adult son unexpectedly died in his arms described the grief process as a spiral where you revisit various thoughts and feelings, often triggered by the most unexpected things such as a smell, object or location.

Here are a few ideas that have helped others in managing their own grief. I hope a few of these thoughts can help you, too.

--Don’t fight the feelings. Acknowledge them and seek to learn from them. Profound sadness, deep anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, and other emotions can be confusing as you wrestle with them after a loss. Accept their presence.

--View feelings as reminders of your connection to the deceased. Whether positive or negative, feelings mean you care. Allow yourself to remember the good times that strengthen that connection.

--Read books on grief. They can help you process and accept your experience. A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis, Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright, Beyond Grief by Carol Staudacher, and Grief’s Courageous Journey by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang are a few options.

--Write the deceased a letter. You can include random thoughts, feelings, images, memories, or whatever helps you process your inner experience. It can be a good-bye letter. You can share the letter with someone, if you choose, or reread it at some future time when the grief resurfaces such as an anniversary or special date.

--Keep a journal. In it, you can document lessons you learned from your relationship with the deceased. Document thoughts, feelings, memories, and the positive things you gained from knowing this special person.

--Make a photo album or scrapbook. This can help you emotionally process the memories. Of course, the younger generations can do these things through the internet with websites such as Pinterest, Instagram, and perhaps Facebook.

--Create a Memory Quilt. Each piece of the quilt can represent some memory or aspect of the person’s life. These often are created with the help of a community of people, or extended family, where the individual pieces are made by those with a connection to the deceased.

--Carry a linking object. At least for a season in your life, you can use a pin or necklace, or carry something in your pocket or pocketbook that reminds you of your loved one.

--Forgive yourself, if needed. It is possible the deceased had already forgiven you, but even if not, you can bring it before God and receive His forgiveness and the grace to forgive yourself. Seek the ability to forgive them as well, if you notice lingering resentments from unsettled conflict.

--Talk to someone. There is no substitute for human contact and sharing with a supportive person who cares. It can be a professional, clergy, a friend, family member, or God through prayer. Grief support groups, such as My Sister’s Kids – a peer support group for kids and teens in South Jersey, are available for people of all ages. Verbalizing your grief can help you work through the different stages involved.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist with offices in Hammonton and Liinwood in South Jersey.

Seeking Balance When Anxiety Strikes

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“There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry. Two care-free days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday… And the other… is Tomorrow.” 
~ Robert Jones Burdette

Even as depression has been called the “everyman’s illness,” I would argue that anxiety is even more so. We are all prone to it for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the lack of certainty about what will happen in our futures.

Here are a few tips, however, for managing your anxiety.

Recognize your anxiety. Becoming self-aware is the first step in taking positive action to manage your emotional well-being. What are the physical symptoms you experience, such as your pounding heart or perspiration? What thoughts bombard your mind?

Accept your anxiety. Often people fight it and find themselves getting more anxious. They fear the thought of becoming more anxious which increases their level of anxiety. Instead, accept it as a signal to you that your mind perceives a threat to you, whether rational or not. If unacceptable impulses and desires surface, accept their presence, but resist the behavior.

Look past your anxiety. Focus on what you value. How can your values inform you about what you choose to do? Having the vision to see what is important to you right now can help in keeping the anxiety in perspective. Is it your marriage or children? Your work or your health? What brings you meaning and purpose? Do what is necessary in each valued arena of life.

Use reason. Do not allow the anxiety to be your decision maker. The rational mind is far better equipped for this. Evaluate the anxiety with rational questions, such as how likely it is that the feared event will happen. Evaluate fearful thoughts and modify them with healthier, more realistic messages to yourself. Anxiety is often from an irrational imagined threat.

Examine past hurts and anger. When were you wounded in past relationships? Are there areas of unresolved anger? Re-evaluate their connection to your current fears in seeking resolution of them.

Develop assertiveness. Facing our fears and overcoming them through direct assertive (not aggressive) action is often very helpful. This is true particularly where unresolved conflict Is underlying your anxieties. List those areas of conflict in your life and deal with them directly.

Surrender your anxiety. Let it go, as did the ice princess in the movie “Frozen.” Let it go. It will take discipline to maintain that surrender, but trust that you can do it. Let it go.

Learn relaxation techniques. Guided meditations such as relaxation exercises can be found on CD’s or various websites on the internet. Listen to soothing music; meditate on calming art; relax by the lake, campfire, or under the stars. Find what relaxes you, and give yourself permission to take those soothing breaks. Research has shown relaxation can be learned and is helpful for a variety of anxieties. You cannot be both relaxed and anxious at the same time.

Build your faith. Surrendering to your “higher power” is an age-old approach to facing the future, which is where your anxieties seem to be focused. Look at your own faith-tradition for additional guidance in this arena. Courage to face your fears can be found here.

Seek professional help. If your anxiety is severe or prolonged, overcome your fear of telling a stranger what is happening in your life and go to a mental health professional. Anxiety can have many roots that take more time to understand, master, and overcome. Medication should be a safety net of last resort, not the first choice of treatment.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a New Jersey psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center, 701 Wiltsey’s Mill Rd., Suite 102. He can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com, or 609-567-9022. This piece was originally produced for the Hammonton Gazette, 2016

Seeking Balance in Your Goals for the New Year

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As we enter the new year, many people set goals for themselves. New Year’s resolutions, we call them. How many people really expect to keep them? How many give up the fight before the end of January? What actually enables us to persevere toward the goals that we establish for ourselves?

Below are ten tips that may actually help you keep your new year’s resolutions this year!

1. Assess your current situation in all areas of life and think about what you want to accomplish this year. This includes your physical body, your mind (reading, education, etc.), your relationships with others, your vacation planning, and even your spiritual life.

2. Set clear, specific goals that are realistic and measurable, and develop a monitoring system to keep track of your goals. For example, a goal of losing one pound every two weeks, for a total loss of 26 pounds for the year, may be more realistic than trying to lose 26 pounds by the end of January. A special log or journal, a chart on the refrigerator, or even a cell phone app are all practical means of rating your progress.

3. Find a supportive partner or group that can hold you accountable and be cheerleaders for you as you make progress. Choose wisely. Look for those who can provide constructive feedback, not those who punish you for your “failures” or try to motivate you through shame.

4. Reinforce your goals, one step at a time, with a positive focus and self-talk. I know a competitive bullseye pistol shooter who had 3 x 5 cards on her bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator, above the kitchen sink, and even on the dashboard of the car. They all said: “I can shoot tens. I like to shoot tens. I feel good when I shoot tens. It is like me to shoot tens.” She went on to win the New Jersey state championship, beating all of the men in the state! She was humble in attitude toward others, but worked on developing positive self-talk in her quest to continue meeting her personal goals.

5. Cultivate a touch of “positive pessimism” by which you identify potential barriers to the achievement of your goals so that you can problem-solve and overcome those barriers. What could go wrong? What options do you have for facing and solving those problems? This can help you balance and maintain your optimism and hope.

6. Recognize and accept that learning new habits is hard, as is letting go of old habits. You are rerouting the neurochemistry of your brain! While change is difficult, it is also possible. Research in neuroscience teaches us much about what works and what does not. This article, for example, is putting in layman’s terms what the research reveals is most helpful.

7. Put high value on wellness behavior and devalue behaviors that lead to poor health. Be sure you are addressing your perceived needs in a way that leads to healthier behavior.

8. Learn to delay gratification. When you were in school, hopefully you learned to reward the self-discipline of doing homework with permission to go and play. Students who reversed those priorities usually did not do as well. Many never even completed their homework since they played first and kept playing.

9. Take an active-mind approach to life, addressing directly the challenges life brings your way. Passivity of mind and avoidance coping lead to unhealthy behavior.

10. Enhance your problem-solving skills even further and approach life’s challenges with faith that God has provided you with the tools you need to accomplish positive goals for the New Year.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com. 

Guest Blog Post: Seeking Balance during the Holiday Season

Christmas and the holiday season bring great opportunities for gathering with family and friends. Much joy, right? And much stress and sorrow, for some.

Joy comes when we connect harmoniously with others and love flows freely. It is a time to give the gift of a smile, encouragement, and a warm friendly embrace. Appreciation for special relationships, thoughtful gifts designed to communicate love, and quality time all seem to be given in extra measure during the Holiday season.

Sorrow, grief, and the pain of strained family relationships also can surface during this time of year. Here are a few tips for seeking the balance that will help you walk this tightrope for the rest of this month.

1) Accept that this season will bring a variety and range of emotional experiences to you. Give yourself permission to feel the ups and downs. Give others permission as well.

2) Recognize people are grieving right now. You may have experienced a significant loss of some kind yourself. “Anniversary reactions”, where a holiday, birthday, or anniversary of a particular loss brings back the sadness, is a normal part of the grief process.

3) Reach out to those with whom you want to communicate your love and connection. This can include old friends, more distant family, or neighbors to whom you communicate less frequently. Remember in particular those who are lonely at this time of year.

4) Set boundaries that will help you hold to your core values. It is O.K. to say “no” to the requests and demands of others on your time, if you have other priorities. Know your own priorities. You can set limits on others and still be a loving person. Holidays certainly increase the demands on your time.

5) Understand and accept that, for different reasons, some people will respond with hostility to our boundaries, perhaps seeking to control us through false guilt. You are not responsible for how other people feel or respond to you. Your task is to understand your own boundary challenges (when to say “yes” or “no”) and to follow your own convictions in a firm, assertive, yet kind manner.

6) Communicate with love and respect at all times, even when others push your buttons and you find yourself getting angry over the selfish demands of others. Count to ten, if you need time to calm down. Breathe deeply. Excuse yourself and go into the bathroom, if you need to lower your blood pressure.

7) Refrain from giving voice to the nasty thoughts that come to your mind. Emotions are poor decision makers. Deep hurt can make us vulnerable to saying or doing stupid things. Later, you will be glad you exercised that extra bit of self-control.

8) Remember the spiritual foundation for the Christmas and holiday season you are celebrating. It is the reason you value the idea of love in the first place. It empowers you to be flexible and balanced in your approach to others, whether setting boundaries or going the extra mile.

9) Develop a grateful attitude. Be thankful for the blessings of the relationships in your life. Pass on your blessings to others, and your holiday season will bring even more joy into your life.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a local psychologist at the Lakeview Professional Center on Route 30 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com.  This column originally appeared in the Hammonton Gazette.